Dead Fish Clog Traffic In Norwalk River

Sept 17, 19108

River traffic was snarled for miles this afternoon after a two-fish finder bender escalated into a thousand fish pileup on the Norwalk River. Schools of fish veered across the river, colliding and killing thousands on their way to school. Wait, they already are a school. Nevermind.

Witnesses were questioned about the specific events leading to the dead fish, but did not reply, for they were also dead fish. Citizens are advised not to try to collect and eat these fish, they are smelly and not fit for eating. "They also appear not to be good swimmers", according to a leading fishologist on the scene. "I'm surprised and shocked at their utter lack of sufficient motor skills and apparent inability to steer clear of danger." said Dr Bramlet P. Wigglebottoms, Head Fishologist at Fishy University.

"Having been fish all their lives, I would expect them to at least have the swimming skills needed to just swim around something. The river is relatively large compared to the size of an individual fish, I don't understand what they were thinking". He added, "There's something fishy about the whole situation. Srsly. I didn't mean to just use that bad pun, but it's true. Something very fishy." Police were called to investigate, and spent all afternoon questioning dead fish.

"These stinking fish aren't giving us any good leads." complained Police Commissioner Ralph G. Muskratonio. "We questioned dead fish after dead fish, and as of yet we have no leads. They're giving us the silent treatment, staring blankly with a glazed look, floating randomly, and decomposing. I think they're hiding something. This must be a conspiracy of some sort. Either that, or a clear case of mass substance abuse. Come on, we need to give somebody a ticket for something. Don't tell me I came all the way out here for nothing!" As of this publishing, no dead fish has come forward with any testimony concerning the incident.

The Norwalk Police Department has announced a reward of one bucket of chum for any anonymous tips leading to an arrest or at least a ticketable offence. So far, no biters.