For centuries, Mankind has marveled at the world's most impossible shape, the blivet, a shape unique among all the shapes from around the world. It's more strange than the Greek rectangle, inspires more puzzlement than the Persian semi-circle, and more confusing than the famous three-pronged poiuyt of Rhodesia. Many have tried to construct a blivet. Millions of research dollars were spent, and countless lives lost, but all have failed where none have succeeded. The blivet defies reality, obfuscates comprehension, and spits in the face of reason. Some would say it's plain un-American. Some say it's a waste of time to try to build one of any size, and even a few would go as far as to say that the world-wide obsession with vain attempts at reckoning it is a pox on the community, and a destructive force that ravages the mind. Even a syphilitic pustulence upon logic itself.
But this madness shall be no more! For today, I unravel the secret of the blivet for all the world to see! No more shall this blight on physics damage the mind of mankind! No more will children have to ask why so many lives are lost to the research of geometry! No more will it be impossible to convert two square rods into three cylindrical tubes! Today, I will reveal the solution to mankind's most confusing question!
The following demonstration is not for the faint of heart. If you have a weak stomach, are pregnant or planning to be pregnant, are prone to dizziness, if you have heart problems, or if you are a child or a woman, you might not want to view the mind-boggling episode that follows. Also, do not scroll down if you are on any MAOIs, or if you have sleep apnea, asthma, depression, liver or kidney problems, or if you have eaten in the last half hour. The following demonstration may cause drowsiness, drymouth, nausea, trouble with urination, and sexual side effects.
You have been warned.
Ok, so here we go. First, make this shape out of play-doh.
Next, insert it into a play-doh extruding device.
And... that's about it. There's your real-life blivet in physical form, right before your eyes. Yup. Enjoy your blivet!
About ten or more years ago, I was helping my friends demolish the interior of a building that they were being evicted from. While smashing away at the things, I came upon a rock with a small glint of some metal exposed from within. What, I queried to myself, the F was this piece of metal doing in a rock? (which was most likely an artificially formed sedimentary rock, nothing special like igneous rock. THAT would be an interesting place to find something.) To answer my question, I wielded "the negotiator" (a 50 lb. crowbar) upon the rock, smashing it apart, wherein I discovered this ring.
Upon discovering my new treasure, I instantly knew it was now mine. It fits on my finger, I'm the one who found it, and it says "Allah", which sounds like my initials, ALA.
I do not yet know what magical powers it contains, I really should bring it to a magician and ask. But I don't trust most magicians, they do "disappearing tricks" to steal my things. I did manage to decipher the symbols on the sides though.
This mysteriously cubic symbol most likely represents a Christmas present. Christmas presents are hidden inside square boxes, and effort must be used to open the box and find the treasure inside. This parallels my smashing of the rock in obtaining this ring. The symbol underneath is shaped like a man, and is most likely Allah's partner, as he is holding up the wrapped Christmas holiday gift.
This building is none other than the home of our great nation's president, the White House. At the time I uncovered the ring, as well as this time right now, I was in the US. However, something puzzles me about the man symbol. It looks exactly identical to the man on the other side. Perhaps they are replicas of each other, or share similarities. Similarities has the same root as assimilation; therefore, they must be assimilated. They are made of metal, so the only logical conclusion is that they are borg. Therefore, the cubic symbol on the first side must also represent the Borg Cube.
I was looking at the Fibonacci spiral, and noticed that it can sort of be found in land masses.
The Tibetan plateau if very Fibonacci-like. This was the first one I noticed.
The coast along the Gulf of Mexico uses the spiral, from New Orleans to the end of Mexico, and then up through the middle of the Great Lakes.
This may look like I'm just looking for coincidences by applying the fibonacci spiral to various maps, rather than finding actual information. That kind of is what I did. This was a project for school, and I didn't want to be like everybody else and write about bees and rabbits multiplying. So naturally, I looked at maps and found them everywhere.
Here you can see that the entire continent of Africa is one giant Fibonacci spiral.
But then I noticed something even more interesting. It's easy to find spirals in land masses, but will it work with population distribution?
I took population density maps off the internet without permission, overlaid a Fibonacci spiral over them, in most cases starting at the capital, and I found that human settlements also follow a pattern.
I tried Africa again, and found that the majority of highly populated spots fall on or close to where the spiral predicts. Africa doesn't have a capital, because it is not a country. So I started in Nigeria, the most populous African country. It's almost the same spiral used to show the shape of the land mass. This actually makes practical sense, because people love living near the coast, so it's not as impressive as one would think.
Texas is the best example, the others start to look more randomly placed.
Beginning from Austin, the capital, the spiral goes through all the major cities; San Antonio, Houston, it gets close to Ft Worth and Dallas. It passes between Lubbock and Midland; they are not very large places, but they are cities in an area where there's almost nothing else. I was in west Texas, there's really nothing there at all.
Seriously, driving through west Texas is as boring as west Nebraska. In Nebraska, just look out the window once, now you know what the entire state looks like.
This is an old Russian map, the darker parts are the most populated. This spirals out from a place called Samara, it didn't work with Moscow.
In Iran, many major cities are right on the line. Some are not, but people need cities all over the place. We can't expect this to be perfect, I'm only looking for patterns here.
A map of France shows that heavily populated areas follow a mostly spiral shape, with the three densest spots outside of france all along the edges.
Connecticut gets two spirals, because with a land mass this large, it is culturally almost like two different states. The large spiral begins in New Britain. It goes through all the major cities, and along the small cities in the rural and strange eastern part of the state along the population centers there.
Fairfield county, which is considered part of the New York Suburbs, has a separate spiral, which passes through the county's four major cities.
For tens of years, mankind has pondered, debated, and even genocided each other in search of answering the most elusive question ever asked: Which planet did mankind originate from? I will now prove to you irrefutably, with the bible as evidence, that our home planet is not Earth, nor Venus, nor Teegeeack, nor Colthenheim, but Mars.
As you all know from the bible, Noah was commanded to put a bunch of animals onto a large boat to save them from a flood, so that they could continue their existence on earth after the flood. But little did anyone suspect that this is how we got to earth in the first place.
Allow me to prove this new groundbreaking discovery into history, with scientific evidence:
Exhibit A:
In Genesis, the first man is called Adam. In Hebrew, one of the many meanings of the word "adam" is red. The word for the ground is "adamah", and it contains the Hebrew word for red. Adam was formed from adamah. This means the red man was formed from the red earth. Red earth = red planet = MARS.
Exhibit B:
The early generations in the bible before the flood lived a very long time. Not just long for our average modern old person, but a really long time, like hundreds of years, even almost a thousand. Obviously, people don't live so long now, and our researchers suggest that the sudden shortening of humanity's lifespan is due to a drastic change in the environment. And what better way to cause a drastic change than a move to a new planet?
Exhibit C:
Scientific evidence shows that Mars has signs of having had oceans in the past. It also shows that Mars does not have a sufficient magnetic field to protect the planet from the solar wind (wind from the sun). This means that the oceans and most of the atmosphere were blown away by hot sun particles.
There are two types of water. Salt water from Earth, and fresh water from Mars. Comets also have fresh water, but Earth was a very salty place. It still is, but less so because of the addition of martian fresh water.
God told Noah to build an ark. He was told to put samples of every animal in it, so that they could reproduce after the "flood" But there are many clues in the ark story pointing to or martian beginnings. This brings us to...
Exhibit D:
God said: Make yourself an ark of cypress wood. Divide the ark into compartments. Caulk the inside and outside with pitch. What's with the specific instructions? Can't a boat be made of any kind of wood? Yes, but this boat was made of cypress, and covered inside AND outside with pitch. Is it because cypress wood is the only wood that can withstand the vacuum of space? Is pitch on both sides because it's the only known substance that can protect cypress wood from burning up upon entry into the Earth's atmosphere?
Ask yourself why are pine trees (such as the cypress) more popular in colder regions? Why are there two types of trees? Did you ever ask yourself that question? Earthen trees have wide leaves and grow in warmer climates, but Mars is farther from the sun than is Earth, thus the trees from that planet would be accustomed to cooler environments. The existence of two kinds of trees on this planet alone should be strong enough evidence for you that men originated from another planet.
Exhibit E:
God sealed them inside" Why were they sealed inside the ark?
Recently, science has discovered that the atmosphere in outer space consists of a dense material known as "vacuum", which causes a person to explode upon contact. Therefore, why else would God seal the door, except to protect from vacuum leaking in?
Exhibit F:
The dinosaurs were killed by a falling meteor or comet or something.
This is scientific fact. As you can see, we have no dinosaurs alive today. Ok maybe a few, but really not a noticeable population. Therefore, we can safely assume that most or all dinosaurs died from a large object falling from outer space.
How Do All These Pieces Fit Together?
Hundreds, perhaps thousands of years ago, a comet flew past mars. Comets carry a lot of water, which explains where the rain came from. So the rain all fell on Mars. But then where did it go? The comet was going pretty fast, so even though the meteor hit Mars, the size and momentum trapped by Mars's gravitational pull, so it kept going. Science recently discovered that there are two very small moons orbiting mars, which are not at all shaped like round things, but more like chunk shapes. These fell off the comet as it so rudely brushed against the side of Mars (there is also a scrape on the planet's surface, further evidence that this really happened.)
As the comet passed by depositing water, it also lifted stuff up from the planet's surface. It was a large comet, with its own gravitational pull; this, together with the comet's impact on the surface (the momentum of which partially nullified the spin of Mars and subsequently deactivated the planet's magnetic field) with assistance from the solar winds, it yanked off the ocean, a bunch of pine trees, and the ark, and towed them to Earth.
As the comet collided with the northern portion of Earth, it left a gigantic impact crater which is now known as the Hudson Bay. Martian soil landed on Canada and Russia, which explains why they have so many pine trees in those areas. The impact killed the dinosaurs and most of the greys, although some of them still to this day abduct our citizens for anal probing in retaliation for destroying their planet. The comet water naturally just flowed all over the place, which explains why there are two types of water. The ark landed in Mt. Ararat in what was then known as Armenia. Noah opened the door, let out all the plants and animals, and grew some grapes with which to make wine. This was because the Earth's gravity is greater than what he was used to, so he needed to get drunk to adjust his equilibrium. (We were born into this gravity, so alcohol would have the reverse effect on us. But imagine if you came here from Mars... you would feel drunk, and would need booze to make yourself sober. Science.)
Speaking of bible, note that there wasn't a whole lot of stuff mentioned before the flood. A few short chapters to explain 1656 years? A whole lot can happen in that time! And remember that this is Mars years we're talking about, so it's equivalent to 3117 Earth years! The only possible explanation for this is if Noah had only the first few pages of the bible, (the rest got wet) and had only a vague recollection of the rest. This is the only possible explanation.
So now you see how all the pieces fit together, and you have the incontrovertible proof that Man originated from Mars, landed on Earth, and destroyed as much as possible since then. Tell your friends that you have the truth, and demand your local scientist to verify my facts so that you too can know about the true origin of man.
3) The bible says the earth was made a little under 6000 years ago, yet geological records show that the earth is at least a million years old. WTF?
That proves my point. This planet did take a million years to make, because the creation of all those dinosaurs was very time-consuming. However, the "earth" that was made 6000 years ago was Mars, which is a different planet than Earth, and thus has a different age.
It was a cool spring night. I was in a small room, upstairs in a religious facility. A dingy, filthy room, not a place suitable for the dignity of fine glassware. This is where I found this mysterious red glass object. It's a squareish shotglass-like vessel, which was being used as an ashtray.
I found this to be a disrespectful use of the object, so I stole it. I justified my actions with knowing that it would be freed from this place to become my possession. I watched boring detective shows for years in preparation for this moment. Now it is mine.
I felt no guilt
but I knew I had to conceal my crime, so that no person would find out. Then I remembered I had a pocket, conveniently located in my shirt. I quickly placed the vessel in my shirt pocket, to protect myself from prosecution. It was the perfect crime. No one would ever know, and I would never tell anybody.
The Pocket.
Earlier that night, I ate at an Indian food restaurant, and I still had the napkin, which I thought would be useful for protecting the glass, and for concealing my crime even further. I daringly took it out of my pocket, risking capture, and wrapped it in the napkin; the smell of curry masking the scent of my thievery.
The napkin.
You are now safe from soft impacts.
While at the scene of the crime, I did not eat any of this irresistable chulent that was being served.
Nor did I partake in any of the other fine foods being served there.
Not even the chicken.
The Escape.
On the way to my getaway car, I encountered signs of criminal activities. It was as if God was trying to taunt me, as if I would break down psychologically and confess my crime. But no. I felt no remorse for what I have done, no pity for the victims, and no intentions of ever giving it back.
What kind of monster would feel such things? I'll tell you what kind. The kind who will slap you silly if you don't keep your mouth shut, that's what kind.
This door was ripped open, in an obvious attempt by a clumsy burglar to steal meat from someone's refrigerator. One could not possibly reach any other conclusion using the evidence presented. If you could, then you are woefully mistaken.
This parking ticket was carelessly discarded by a driver who thought no one would find him. Unbeknownst to him, the NYPD special collection force was out that night. Their job is to search the streets for discarded parking tickets, pick them up with a pointed stick, and mail it to the parking assailants. If they find this, somebody will get a surprise in his mailbox in a few days.
Oh, by the way, if any cops are reading this, disregard this blog. There is nothing here of interest to you. No crime was committed. Move along.
(I just lied to the cops)
I crossed state lines with stolen property. It is now a federal offense. We are fugitives.
I cleaned out the last disgusting remnants of cigarette ash, and washed away all evidence of my fingerprints and DNA.
My friend gave me a 100-sided die. It was a very nice present, and it made a shaky sound when I shook it. I always wondered what was inside, but I never wanted to open it, because it was the nicest dice-related present I ever got, and I liked using it for my random number production-relevant activities.
It's a round black orb with numbers, and each number lives in a flattened area of the surface. They were flattened so that the user could roll it and it would land on a number, and the shaky substance inside helped it eventually stop.
But alas! One day tragedy struck! And somebody who was not me accidentally broke it in half! The northern hemisphere broke off from the southern hemisphere, which made me sad.
But now I could finally see what was inside. It was 39 tiny pebbles. They left a thin layer of silt on the inside surface of the orb, most likely a product of stones rubbing against each other, knocking off microscopic particles which stick to the soft plastic surface.
But wait, there's more!
The orb itself is made of two layers; a transparent outer layer covered with flat surfaces, and a smooth round inner layer covered with numbers.
Right near the north pole (marked by the number "100") are two holes. The presence of these two holes puzzled our researchers at first, until it was discovered that on the inside of the clear outer orb are two tabs which fit into the holes. The two layers of the southern hemisphere are stuck together by an unknown force or substance.
Here are all 42 parts of the orb with each other.
Here it is with the inner layer removed.
Here is the inner layer seen through the outer layer.
The die died, but in its death it helped further the pursuit of science. So it did not die in vain.
