Saturday, May 11, 2013
Spider knew he was fast. Very fast. Therefore, he was confident in his ability to properly tend his web, and catch and subdue insects in his web before they have the chance to escape its threads' sticky clutches.
"Blomb!" The vibrations on the strands let the spider know that the web has a new visitor. Spider quickly scurried up the strands to discover a fly, violently thrashing in vain, as it tried to break free.
"Oh, hello there spider!" said the fly, "I appear to be stuck. Do you think you can help me out?"
"Why, of course! I'll be happy to." said spider "Hold still."
The fly patiently waited as spider approached, exposing a sharp fang.
"I assume you're going to use your fang to help me escape." said fly. "Ouch, you accidentally poked me with your fang!"
"That's right." spider hissed. "I'm helping you escape... Escape this mortal coil. Isn't that what you wanted?"
"No!" said fly. "This isn't what I expected at all! I can't die, I have dozens of maggots back home in the poop!"
"Oh, what a cruel, merciless fate this is! Oh, the profane suffering! What kind of sadistic creator would allow this invisible obstacle to block my path, yet does not give me a brain stem sufficient enough to understand what spiders and webs are?"
Spider said, "I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but this is great from my perspective. I'll be eating for weeks!"
Fly said, "Oh yes, good point. It all evens out in the end.". And he died. Slowly.
Suddenly, spider sensed danger. A gigantic beast was lurking nearby. It was the biggest thing that Spider had ever seen. Spider remained completely still.
The enormous monstrosity approached, and tried to attack the spider with its sharp metallic appendage.
"What? I thought I was completely still!" the spider uttered in disbelief. "How could that thing possibly detect my non-moving hairy black body against the white background of this vast windowsill?"
"Perhaps it saw you blink." offered the dead fly.
"It's possible, but perhaps it was your involuntary twitching, done so inconsiderately I might add, from the effects of the venom I so generously injected into you."
"No matter, I gotta get out of here!"
Spider took off, running away at top speed with his super fast running ability. The fastest running in the world, relative to size.
"I think I'm safe now. Six inches seems like a sufficient distance." spider thought. This time he made certain not to blink.
Now spider remained still for a mind-numbingly long time. It was about five seconds. Suddenly, the 4-pringed metallic appendage attacked again.
Spider was shocked. How was he discovered so quickly?
Spider knew what spider had to do. He ran and ran and ran. Spider ran as fast as he could, for as long as he could endure. Up, up over the wooden sill, up the cold glass wall, dashing at lightning speed up the cold, smooth, barren landscape.
After what felt like an eternity, and exhausted spider realized he had traversed the greatest distance he ever traveled in his entire life. It was about seventeen inches. Spider never imagined ever being able to run this far.
"The foul beast can't possibly find me here!" Spider relaxed, knowing that the grand distance between he and the fork monster could never be violated.
"As long as I'm safe, I might as well read up on what's going on in the world on that quickly approaching newspaper..."
And this concludes the story of spider.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Sunday, May 15, 2011
The root of this word is euphemism, ("the substitution of a frank expression that might offend or otherwise suggest something unpleasant to the audience, for a mild, inoffensive, relatively uncontroversial phrase.") with the suffix -oid, "indicating likeness, resemblance, or similarity."
A euphemoid has the appearance of a euphemism, but is not necessarily a euphemism. A euphemism is a polite way of saying something less polite. For example, one might say "I'm going to powder my nose" when excusing oneself to use the restroom (and restroom is a euphemism for toilet). In this example, a euphemoid would be if somebody excused herself to powder her nose, you would follow her to the restroom, and then find her actually applying powder to her nose. That would be an example of a euphemoid. Another one, though less likely, is if you went into a door marked "restroom", only to find people taking naps on cots. So far, my new word has limited applicability; but we're working on expanding the example base to make euphemoid into a more versatile household word.
The english language lacks gender-neutral pronouns. well, not really. We have he and she, and we also have it, but some people seem to think it only applies to lifeless inanimate objects. Nobody knows why this is so, but the belief that it cannot be used for a living human is so deeply ingrained in our culture, it can't be changed. Sure, it's fine for 80% of all english speakers to forget how to spell you're, but the word IT absolutely cannot be used correctly in gender-neutral situations in reference to humans. Maybe it's not PC enough or something. God forbid you call somebody an "it", or you refer to a potential she as a he! No no no, you have to fill up an entire page with a lengthy "he/she". It may be a lot, but at least you're letting the forward slash get a little literary action.
Anyway, assuming i explained that part sufficiently, we can get on with the words. Since one's gender is the first impression you get from somebody upon meeting, it's the first part of the word that is different. For example, with he and she, the difference is the H and SH at the beginning, but the E at the end remains the same. Therefore, the gender neutral he/she word is E.
Why E? why not? We already have two other one letter words, A and I, and two that sound like one letter words, O and U. E is the only one not used. another one letter word can't hurt. E is at the end of he and she, so it's already there. Who cares? Just use e as the gender-neutral pronoun. Come on, do it and get it over with. Your shortened sentences will thank you. It's not like we don't pronounce the H sound in he, because we do pronounce it. This is America, that's how we talk, we say the letter H. He and e will be easily distinguishable. Do you want to make a contraction with is, such as he's or she's? How about e's? You can do it with ease.
What about him and her? As I did in e, I take off the beginning of a word, and use the ending. But wait, him and her end differently. That's fine, I use the ending of both together, and formed mer. That's right, mer is the new gender-neutral pronoun replacing the cumbersome him/her. Want to make it possessive? just add an s at the end, for mers.
You might as well get used to these words now, because they're here to stay. Start using them today. What will your friend think? E will love it! E and mer will go right into mer vocabulary. And find a way to use euphemoid too, that one can have some very interesting applications.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
But this madness shall be no more! For today, I unravel the secret of the blivet for all the world to see! No more shall this blight on physics damage the mind of mankind! No more will children have to ask why so many lives are lost to the research of geometry! No more will it be impossible to convert two square rods into three cylindrical tubes! Today, I will reveal the solution to mankind's most confusing question!
The following demonstration is not for the faint of heart. If you have a weak stomach, are pregnant or planning to be pregnant, are prone to dizziness, if you have heart problems, or if you are a child or a woman, you might not want to view the mind-boggling episode that follows. Also, do not scroll down if you are on any MAOIs, or if you have sleep apnea, asthma, depression, liver or kidney problems, or if you have eaten in the last half hour. The following demonstration may cause drowsiness, drymouth, nausea, trouble with urination, and sexual side effects.
You have been warned.
Ok, so here we go. First, make this shape out of play-doh.
Next, insert it into a play-doh extruding device.
And... that's about it. There's your real-life blivet in physical form, right before your eyes. Yup. Enjoy your blivet!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Upon discovering my new treasure, I instantly knew it was now mine. It fits on my finger, I'm the one who found it, and it says "Allah", which sounds like my initials, ALA.
I do not yet know what magical powers it contains, I really should bring it to a magician and ask. But I don't trust most magicians, they do "disappearing tricks" to steal my things. I did manage to decipher the symbols on the sides though.
This mysteriously cubic symbol most likely represents a Christmas present. Christmas presents are hidden inside square boxes, and effort must be used to open the box and find the treasure inside. This parallels my smashing of the rock in obtaining this ring. The symbol underneath is shaped like a man, and is most likely Allah's partner, as he is holding up the wrapped Christmas holiday gift.
This building is none other than the home of our great nation's president, the White House. At the time I uncovered the ring, as well as this time right now, I was in the US. However, something puzzles me about the man symbol. It looks exactly identical to the man on the other side. Perhaps they are replicas of each other, or share similarities. Similarities has the same root as assimilation; therefore, they must be assimilated. They are made of metal, so the only logical conclusion is that they are borg. Therefore, the cubic symbol on the first side must also represent the Borg Cube.
This concludes this.
Monday, February 28, 2011
I was looking at the Fibonacci spiral, and noticed that it can sort of be found in land masses.
The Tibetan plateau if very Fibonacci-like. This was the first one I noticed.
The coast along the Gulf of Mexico uses the spiral, from New Orleans to the end of Mexico, and then up through the middle of the Great Lakes.
This may look like I'm just looking for coincidences by applying the fibonacci spiral to various maps, rather than finding actual information. That kind of is what I did. This was a project for school, and I didn't want to be like everybody else and write about bees and rabbits multiplying. So naturally, I looked at maps and found them everywhere.
Here you can see that the entire continent of Africa is one giant Fibonacci spiral.
But then I noticed something even more interesting. It's easy to find spirals in land masses, but will it work with population distribution?
I took population density maps off the internet without permission, overlaid a Fibonacci spiral over them, in most cases starting at the capital, and I found that human settlements also follow a pattern.
I tried Africa again, and found that the majority of highly populated spots fall on or close to where the spiral predicts. Africa doesn't have a capital, because it is not a country. So I started in Nigeria, the most populous African country. It's almost the same spiral used to show the shape of the land mass. This actually makes practical sense, because people love living near the coast, so it's not as impressive as one would think.
Texas is the best example, the others start to look more randomly placed.
Beginning from Austin, the capital, the spiral goes through all the major cities; San Antonio, Houston, it gets close to Ft Worth and Dallas. It passes between Lubbock and Midland; they are not very large places, but they are cities in an area where there's almost nothing else. I was in west Texas, there's really nothing there at all.
Seriously, driving through west Texas is as boring as west Nebraska. In Nebraska, just look out the window once, now you know what the entire state looks like.
This is an old Russian map, the darker parts are the most populated. This spirals out from a place called Samara, it didn't work with Moscow.
In Iran, many major cities are right on the line. Some are not, but people need cities all over the place. We can't expect this to be perfect, I'm only looking for patterns here.
A map of France shows that heavily populated areas follow a mostly spiral shape, with the three densest spots outside of france all along the edges.
Connecticut gets two spirals, because with a land mass this large, it is culturally almost like two different states. The large spiral begins in New Britain. It goes through all the major cities, and along the small cities in the rural and strange eastern part of the state along the population centers there.
Fairfield county, which is considered part of the New York Suburbs, has a separate spiral, which passes through the county's four major cities.