Friday, June 18, 2010

Men Are From Mars - Because The Bible Says So

For tens of years, mankind has pondered, debated, and even genocided each other in search of answering the most elusive question ever asked: Which planet did mankind originate from? I will now prove to you irrefutably, with the bible as evidence, that our home planet is not Earth, nor Venus, nor Teegeeack, nor Colthenheim, but Mars.

As you all know from the bible, Noah was commanded to put a bunch of animals onto a large boat to save them from a flood, so that they could continue their existence on earth after the flood. But little did anyone suspect that this is how we got to earth in the first place.

Allow me to prove this new groundbreaking discovery into history, with scientific evidence:

Exhibit A:

In Genesis, the first man is called Adam. In Hebrew, one of the many meanings of the word "adam" is red. The word for the ground is "adamah", and it contains the Hebrew word for red. Adam was formed from adamah. This means the red man was formed from the red earth. Red earth = red planet = MARS.

Exhibit B:

The early generations in the bible before the flood lived a very long time. Not just long for our average modern old person, but a really long time, like hundreds of years, even almost a thousand. Obviously, people don't live so long now, and our researchers suggest that the sudden shortening of humanity's lifespan is due to a drastic change in the environment. And what better way to cause a drastic change than a move to a new planet?

Exhibit C:

Scientific evidence shows that Mars has signs of having had oceans in the past. It also shows that Mars does not have a sufficient magnetic field to protect the planet from the solar wind (wind from the sun). This means that the oceans and most of the atmosphere were blown away by hot sun particles.

There are two types of water. Salt water from Earth, and fresh water from Mars. Comets also have fresh water, but Earth was a very salty place. It still is, but less so because of the addition of martian fresh water.

God told Noah to build an ark. He was told to put samples of every animal in it, so that they could reproduce after the "flood" But there are many clues in the ark story pointing to or martian beginnings. This brings us to...

Exhibit D:

God said: Make yourself an ark of cypress wood. Divide the ark into compartments. Caulk the inside and outside with pitch. What's with the specific instructions? Can't a boat be made of any kind of wood? Yes, but this boat was made of cypress, and covered inside AND outside with pitch. Is it because cypress wood is the only wood that can withstand the vacuum of space? Is pitch on both sides because it's the only known substance that can protect cypress wood from burning up upon entry into the Earth's atmosphere?

Ask yourself why are pine trees (such as the cypress) more popular in colder regions? Why are there two types of trees? Did you ever ask yourself that question? Earthen trees have wide leaves and grow in warmer climates, but Mars is farther from the sun than is Earth, thus the trees from that planet would be accustomed to cooler environments. The existence of two kinds of trees on this planet alone should be strong enough evidence for you that men originated from another planet.

Exhibit E:

God sealed them inside" Why were they sealed inside the ark?
Recently, science has discovered that the atmosphere in outer space consists of a dense material known as "vacuum", which causes a person to explode upon contact. Therefore, why else would God seal the door, except to protect from vacuum leaking in?

Exhibit F:

The dinosaurs were killed by a falling meteor or comet or something.

This is scientific fact. As you can see, we have no dinosaurs alive today. Ok maybe a few, but really not a noticeable population. Therefore, we can safely assume that most or all dinosaurs died from a large object falling from outer space.

How Do All These Pieces Fit Together?

Hundreds, perhaps thousands of years ago, a comet flew past mars. Comets carry a lot of water, which explains where the rain came from. So the rain all fell on Mars. But then where did it go? The comet was going pretty fast, so even though the meteor hit Mars, the size and momentum trapped by Mars's gravitational pull, so it kept going. Science recently discovered that there are two very small moons orbiting mars, which are not at all shaped like round things, but more like chunk shapes. These fell off the comet as it so rudely brushed against the side of Mars (there is also a scrape on the planet's surface, further evidence that this really happened.)

As the comet passed by depositing water, it also lifted stuff up from the planet's surface. It was a large comet, with its own gravitational pull; this, together with the comet's impact on the surface (the momentum of which partially nullified the spin of Mars and subsequently deactivated the planet's magnetic field) with assistance from the solar winds, it yanked off the ocean, a bunch of pine trees, and the ark, and towed them to Earth.

As the comet collided with the northern portion of Earth, it left a gigantic impact crater which is now known as the Hudson Bay. Martian soil landed on Canada and Russia, which explains why they have so many pine trees in those areas. The impact killed the dinosaurs and most of the greys, although some of them still to this day abduct our citizens for anal probing in retaliation for destroying their planet. The comet water naturally just flowed all over the place, which explains why there are two types of water. The ark landed in Mt. Ararat in what was then known as Armenia. Noah opened the door, let out all the plants and animals, and grew some grapes with which to make wine. This was because the Earth's gravity is greater than what he was used to, so he needed to get drunk to adjust his equilibrium. (We were born into this gravity, so alcohol would have the reverse effect on us. But imagine if you came here from Mars... you would feel drunk, and would need booze to make yourself sober. Science.)
Speaking of bible, note that there wasn't a whole lot of stuff mentioned before the flood. A few short chapters to explain 1656 years? A whole lot can happen in that time! And remember that this is Mars years we're talking about, so it's equivalent to 3117 Earth years! The only possible explanation for this is if Noah had only the first few pages of the bible, (the rest got wet) and had only a vague recollection of the rest. This is the only possible explanation.

So now you see how all the pieces fit together, and you have the incontrovertible proof that Man originated from Mars, landed on Earth, and destroyed as much as possible since then. Tell your friends that you have the truth, and demand your local scientist to verify my facts so that you too can know about the true origin of man.
I Will Answer All Relevant Questions.

Ask your questions, I will answer them.

1) "If God moved us to a different planet, why wasn't it specifically mentioned in the bible?"

Good question, I'm glad you asked. The answer is that God wants to protect us from repeating our past mistakes.

The bible says" God saw the world, and it was corrupted. All flesh had perverted its way on the earth. God said to Noah, 'The end of all flesh has come before Me. The world is filled with [man's] crime. I will therefore destroy them with the [red] earth. This means that the red earth was so corrupted, God had to kill the entire world. But He still wanted a world with people, so He found a way to replicate it on one of his other worlds. Although we do enjoy a large amount of debauchery, gluttony, and violence on this planet, we're still puritans compared to the vile acts we're missing out on by not living on the red party planet. Unfortunately, NASA is trying to explore Mars with rovers, which is why God is causing so many disasters and catastrophes on this planet, to distract us from contaminating ourselves with the sinful planet of war and sex.

2) Where are the pictures?

I'm very busy, I will add them later.

3) The bible says the earth was made a little under 6000 years ago, yet geological records show that the earth is at least a million years old. WTF?

That proves my point. This planet did take a million years to make, because the creation of all those dinosaurs was very time-consuming. However, the "earth" that was made 6000 years ago was Mars, which is a different planet than Earth, and thus has a different age.