Friday, June 18, 2010

Men Are From Mars - Because The Bible Says So

For tens of years, mankind has pondered, debated, and even genocided each other in search of answering the most elusive question ever asked: Which planet did mankind originate from? I will now prove to you irrefutably, with the bible as evidence, that our home planet is not Earth, nor Venus, nor Teegeeack, nor Colthenheim, but Mars.

As you all know from the bible, Noah was commanded to put a bunch of animals onto a large boat to save them from a flood, so that they could continue their existence on earth after the flood. But little did anyone suspect that this is how we got to earth in the first place.

Allow me to prove this new groundbreaking discovery into history, with scientific evidence:

Exhibit A:

In Genesis, the first man is called Adam. In Hebrew, one of the many meanings of the word "adam" is red. The word for the ground is "adamah", and it contains the Hebrew word for red. Adam was formed from adamah. This means the red man was formed from the red earth. Red earth = red planet = MARS.

Exhibit B:

The early generations in the bible before the flood lived a very long time. Not just long for our average modern old person, but a really long time, like hundreds of years, even almost a thousand. Obviously, people don't live so long now, and our researchers suggest that the sudden shortening of humanity's lifespan is due to a drastic change in the environment. And what better way to cause a drastic change than a move to a new planet?

Exhibit C:

Scientific evidence shows that Mars has signs of having had oceans in the past. It also shows that Mars does not have a sufficient magnetic field to protect the planet from the solar wind (wind from the sun). This means that the oceans and most of the atmosphere were blown away by hot sun particles.

There are two types of water. Salt water from Earth, and fresh water from Mars. Comets also have fresh water, but Earth was a very salty place. It still is, but less so because of the addition of martian fresh water.

God told Noah to build an ark. He was told to put samples of every animal in it, so that they could reproduce after the "flood" But there are many clues in the ark story pointing to or martian beginnings. This brings us to...

Exhibit D:

God said: Make yourself an ark of cypress wood. Divide the ark into compartments. Caulk the inside and outside with pitch. What's with the specific instructions? Can't a boat be made of any kind of wood? Yes, but this boat was made of cypress, and covered inside AND outside with pitch. Is it because cypress wood is the only wood that can withstand the vacuum of space? Is pitch on both sides because it's the only known substance that can protect cypress wood from burning up upon entry into the Earth's atmosphere?

Ask yourself why are pine trees (such as the cypress) more popular in colder regions? Why are there two types of trees? Did you ever ask yourself that question? Earthen trees have wide leaves and grow in warmer climates, but Mars is farther from the sun than is Earth, thus the trees from that planet would be accustomed to cooler environments. The existence of two kinds of trees on this planet alone should be strong enough evidence for you that men originated from another planet.

Exhibit E:

God sealed them inside" Why were they sealed inside the ark?
Recently, science has discovered that the atmosphere in outer space consists of a dense material known as "vacuum", which causes a person to explode upon contact. Therefore, why else would God seal the door, except to protect from vacuum leaking in?

Exhibit F:

The dinosaurs were killed by a falling meteor or comet or something.

This is scientific fact. As you can see, we have no dinosaurs alive today. Ok maybe a few, but really not a noticeable population. Therefore, we can safely assume that most or all dinosaurs died from a large object falling from outer space.

How Do All These Pieces Fit Together?

Hundreds, perhaps thousands of years ago, a comet flew past mars. Comets carry a lot of water, which explains where the rain came from. So the rain all fell on Mars. But then where did it go? The comet was going pretty fast, so even though the meteor hit Mars, the size and momentum trapped by Mars's gravitational pull, so it kept going. Science recently discovered that there are two very small moons orbiting mars, which are not at all shaped like round things, but more like chunk shapes. These fell off the comet as it so rudely brushed against the side of Mars (there is also a scrape on the planet's surface, further evidence that this really happened.)

As the comet passed by depositing water, it also lifted stuff up from the planet's surface. It was a large comet, with its own gravitational pull; this, together with the comet's impact on the surface (the momentum of which partially nullified the spin of Mars and subsequently deactivated the planet's magnetic field) with assistance from the solar winds, it yanked off the ocean, a bunch of pine trees, and the ark, and towed them to Earth.

As the comet collided with the northern portion of Earth, it left a gigantic impact crater which is now known as the Hudson Bay. Martian soil landed on Canada and Russia, which explains why they have so many pine trees in those areas. The impact killed the dinosaurs and most of the greys, although some of them still to this day abduct our citizens for anal probing in retaliation for destroying their planet. The comet water naturally just flowed all over the place, which explains why there are two types of water. The ark landed in Mt. Ararat in what was then known as Armenia. Noah opened the door, let out all the plants and animals, and grew some grapes with which to make wine. This was because the Earth's gravity is greater than what he was used to, so he needed to get drunk to adjust his equilibrium. (We were born into this gravity, so alcohol would have the reverse effect on us. But imagine if you came here from Mars... you would feel drunk, and would need booze to make yourself sober. Science.)
Speaking of bible, note that there wasn't a whole lot of stuff mentioned before the flood. A few short chapters to explain 1656 years? A whole lot can happen in that time! And remember that this is Mars years we're talking about, so it's equivalent to 3117 Earth years! The only possible explanation for this is if Noah had only the first few pages of the bible, (the rest got wet) and had only a vague recollection of the rest. This is the only possible explanation.

So now you see how all the pieces fit together, and you have the incontrovertible proof that Man originated from Mars, landed on Earth, and destroyed as much as possible since then. Tell your friends that you have the truth, and demand your local scientist to verify my facts so that you too can know about the true origin of man.
I Will Answer All Relevant Questions.

Ask your questions, I will answer them.

1) "If God moved us to a different planet, why wasn't it specifically mentioned in the bible?"

Good question, I'm glad you asked. The answer is that God wants to protect us from repeating our past mistakes.

The bible says" God saw the world, and it was corrupted. All flesh had perverted its way on the earth. God said to Noah, 'The end of all flesh has come before Me. The world is filled with [man's] crime. I will therefore destroy them with the [red] earth. This means that the red earth was so corrupted, God had to kill the entire world. But He still wanted a world with people, so He found a way to replicate it on one of his other worlds. Although we do enjoy a large amount of debauchery, gluttony, and violence on this planet, we're still puritans compared to the vile acts we're missing out on by not living on the red party planet. Unfortunately, NASA is trying to explore Mars with rovers, which is why God is causing so many disasters and catastrophes on this planet, to distract us from contaminating ourselves with the sinful planet of war and sex.

2) Where are the pictures?

I'm very busy, I will add them later.

3) The bible says the earth was made a little under 6000 years ago, yet geological records show that the earth is at least a million years old. WTF?

That proves my point. This planet did take a million years to make, because the creation of all those dinosaurs was very time-consuming. However, the "earth" that was made 6000 years ago was Mars, which is a different planet than Earth, and thus has a different age.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Grand Theft Shotglass

I stole this thing.

It was a cool spring night. I was in a small room, upstairs in a religious facility. A dingy, filthy room, not a place suitable for the dignity of fine glassware. This is where I found this mysterious red glass object. It's a squareish shotglass-like vessel, which was being used as an ashtray.

I found this to be a disrespectful use of the object, so I stole it. I justified my actions with knowing that it would be freed from this place to become my possession. I watched boring detective shows for years in preparation for this moment. Now it is mine.

I felt no guilt

but I knew I had to conceal my crime, so that no person would find out. Then I remembered I had a pocket, conveniently located in my shirt. I quickly placed the vessel in my shirt pocket, to protect myself from prosecution. It was the perfect crime. No one would ever know, and I would never tell anybody.

The Pocket.

Earlier that night, I ate at an Indian food restaurant, and I still had the napkin, which I thought would be useful for protecting the glass, and for concealing my crime even further. I daringly took it out of my pocket, risking capture, and wrapped it in the napkin; the smell of curry masking the scent of my thievery.

The napkin.

You are now safe from soft impacts.

While at the scene of the crime, I did not eat any of this irresistable chulent that was being served.

Nor did I partake in any of the other fine foods being served there.

Not even the chicken.

The Escape.

On the way to my getaway car, I encountered signs of criminal activities. It was as if God was trying to taunt me, as if I would break down psychologically and confess my crime. But no. I felt no remorse for what I have done, no pity for the victims, and no intentions of ever giving it back.

What kind of monster would feel such things? I'll tell you what kind. The kind who will slap you silly if you don't keep your mouth shut, that's what kind.

This door was ripped open, in an obvious attempt by a clumsy burglar to steal meat from someone's refrigerator. One could not possibly reach any other conclusion using the evidence presented. If you could, then you are woefully mistaken.

This parking ticket was carelessly discarded by a driver who thought no one would find him. Unbeknownst to him, the NYPD special collection force was out that night. Their job is to search the streets for discarded parking tickets, pick them up with a pointed stick, and mail it to the parking assailants. If they find this, somebody will get a surprise in his mailbox in a few days.

Oh, by the way, if any cops are reading this, disregard this blog.
There is nothing here of interest to you. No crime was committed. Move along.

(I just lied to the cops)

I crossed state lines with stolen property. It is now a federal offense. We are fugitives.

I cleaned out the last disgusting remnants of cigarette ash,
and washed away all evidence of my fingerprints and DNA.

The red shotglass checked its facebook.


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Death of the die

My friend gave me a 100-sided die. It was a very nice present, and it made a shaky sound when I shook it. I always wondered what was inside, but I never wanted to open it, because it was the nicest dice-related present I ever got, and I liked using it for my random number production-relevant activities.

It's a round black orb with numbers, and each number lives in a flattened area of the surface. They were flattened so that the user could roll it and it would land on a number, and the shaky substance inside helped it eventually stop.

But alas! One day tragedy struck! And somebody who was not me accidentally broke it in half! The northern hemisphere broke off from the southern hemisphere, which made me sad.

But now I could finally see what was inside. It was 39 tiny pebbles. They left a thin layer of silt on the inside surface of the orb, most likely a product of stones rubbing against each other, knocking off microscopic particles which stick to the soft plastic surface.

But wait, there's more!

The orb itself is made of two layers; a transparent outer layer covered with flat surfaces, and a smooth round inner layer covered with numbers.

Right near the north pole (marked by the number "100") are two holes. The presence of these two holes puzzled our researchers at first, until it was discovered that on the inside of the clear outer orb are two tabs which fit into the holes. The two layers of the southern hemisphere are stuck together by an unknown force or substance.

Here are all 42 parts of the orb with each other.

Here it is with the inner layer removed.

Here is the inner layer seen through the outer layer.

The die died, but in its death it helped further the pursuit of science. So it did not die in vain.

How to shovel a walkway in less than a minute, without shoveling.

This is a 5 step guide on how to shovel your walkway
very quickly, with very little effort and no shoveling.

Step 1:
Own a 12 foot long piece of bubble wrap.

Step 2:
Place it on the walkway before it snows.

Step 3:
Secure plastic wrap with heavy weights, to prevent
it from being blown away by strong winds.

Step 4:
Allow snow to fall on top of your 12 foot strip of bubble wrap.

Step 5:
When you are satisfied with the amount of snow that hath fallen,
or if somebody wants to walk outside, you may roll it up.
This process contains the snow inside the plastic,
exposing the dry walkway underneath.

It can be unrolled again for future use.

Warning: This does not work for rain.
If it rains in your area, learn to enjoy moist feet.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The new 2009 penny

I just saw a coin made in 2009 for the first time. But it is now 2010. Why didn't I see any last year? Did we not make any? I'm always looking at quarters for states, so I don't know how I missed a 2009 quarter.

The new penny has a new back. I will try to get you a more focused picture later.

Monday, January 11, 2010

How to make magic cards prettier

O hai, here is my simple three step process of how to make magic cards prettier. It is a card game.

Step one: Obtain a card.

This is the easiest part. Once you have one, you may proceed to step two.

This one is called "Mishra's Factory", by Kaja and Phil Foglio.

There are others.

Step two: Remove offending border area.

There are several ways to do this. Some people erase around the edges, and some people use acetone. But I scrape it away with a razor blade, using a perpendicular scraping motion. You can do yours however you want, but I think this is the fastest, and you don't risk ruining the card with toxic liquid, and erasing just takes too long. Razor scraping also gets rid of more paper, which is good because it gives more room for the paint. If your paint is too thick, the card will be unplayable. If you don't want to play with it anyway, you can make it as thick as you want.

But if you're gonna do that, you might as well just get a blank piece of paper and make an original painting.

Step three: Paint.

I like to use acrylic paint and a small brush, and water to thin the paint sometimes, for painty effects. Most people use common colors, so you can just get one of those cheap sets of 24 acrylic paint tubes, and that will let you replicate most of the colors.
This step requires some painting skills, so if you're not sure about yourself, practice with a cheap rare first. Your practice must be on a rare card, because that's more badass than to risk wasting a cheap common card.

Use thin layers of paint, using either water or slow-dry fluid retarder. Painting multiple thin layers will prevent texturing, keeping the surface smooth and thin. The first few layers will not look pretty, so don't worry about how it looks at first. The point is to make it look pretty at the end.

I might take pics of the next card I make, to show more steps.

More of my painted cards are here, but I made this blog for people who are seeing it from there, so you probably already know.

That is all.